straightbangscurlyhair

(via omnomnominator)

TRUE STORY: the appropriate response to “you’re emotionally retarded” is apparently NOT “your face is emotionally retarded.”

in other news, i’m going to start teaching a class on sweet comebacks.

-partyczar

3pm, sunday

me: i just booted in front of the department of the interior while wearing a tshirt that says “i make smart moves”

khortsarethenewjorts: FTW.

- partyczar

this weekend i went to a daydrinking event (something new!). i didn’t pregame due to extreme exhaustion (epic bang sesh with SLAM the night before) so by the time we arrived at the venue i was a little sober fish in a vast sea of nonironic pastel shorts. i immediately lunged across the bar and snagged a bottle of moet. as i embarked down the road to blackout city, i was accosted by the far drunker female roommate of BRICK, who i happen to be casually seeing (but not slamming). she decided, in her 1pm blackout, that i absolutely had to know that the reason she was such an epic bitch to me in the past was not because she disliked me as a person. no, the reason for her open hostility was apparently because she was banging BRICK. they’re roommates. did i mention they’re roommates?

now, this wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, as i can’t claim exclusivity here (see: fratlax and SLAM) and i certainly can’t claim that our relationship is serious (although second base…. that’s pretty big). you know what’s appalling?

the fact that one night when i slept over, BRICK left the bed where we had just made out, went to his roommate’s bed, and banged her… then returned to his room to cuddle with me.

when i gchatted khortsarethenewjorts this, she stopped responding halfway through the story. she returned an hour later and said, in her best andy samberg impression, “sorry, i just had seeeeeexxxx, and it felt soo goooood.”

-partyczar

greendrank:

Best senior column ever, 50% because of the picture that finally got published, 50% because of the message. Read it. Though my foodie buddy deserves a shout-out, too.

blackmagic: me and ass tat aren’t really hooking up anymore since he got back from peru
khorts: i’m sorry for your loss?
blackmagic: he was cute and he obvi had a good sense of humor to have mom written on his ass, and being arrested 5 times
khorts: 5 times??
blackmagic: yes
blackmagic: dui, indecent exposure
blackmagic: his goat got repossessed

partyczar: important update that i know you care about: fratlax and i are now gchat friends
boxslayer: i am very happy for you.
partyczar: i’m getting the impression that you aren’t as invested in this relationship as i am
boxslayer: i don’t know how invested you are, either
boxslayer: you want him to make an investment, in fact. into your safety deposit box.
partyczar: i really hope that, for everyone’s sake, you didn’t just refer to my vagina as a safety deposit box
boxslayer: yeah, there’s no safety about it

• Question: I don't know you. Probably never will. But this is amazing and I'm in love with it. I hope some internet archaeologist in 1000 years finds this and shares it with the future. - gatm
• Answer:

  Thank you so much!! We also hope an internet archaeologist finds this… and that somehow that is a real job in the future, because it is highly unlikely that our descendants will have any marketable skills past “googling shit.”

this past weekend i returned to the alma mater for alumni weekend.  this included attending a paul bunyan-esque date function with teen wolf’s frat.  i wanted to pack lightly, so i only brought the essentials: one pair of jorts.  no pajamas, no dresses, no change of clothes whatsoever.

after about six drinks in the barn at this dfunc, i desperately eyed the 20-girl line for the bathroom and decided to explore my options outside.  lucky for me, there were two empty porta potties just beyond the bonfire.  i beelined for one of them, locked the door, and, since i’m a lady, chose to squat instead of sit in that tiny, pitch-black stankhole.  oh what sweet relief as the golden shower began to rain down onto… wait.  IS THAT ON MY LEG?!  WHO THE HELL PUTS THE SEAT DOWN IN A PORTA POTTY?  bitches, that’s who.  FUCK.  we’re only an hour into this party and i’ve already peed my jorts.  my only pair of jorts for the entire weekend.

i cleaned up as best i could and returned to the party.  nobody noticed.  in fact, i discovered that british kilfs must be attracted to the scent of peejorts, because one of them tried to make out with me.  when my face rejected him, he went for my furry bomber hat instead.  i didn’t stop him, figuring at least i could help him fulfill some sort of furry fetish.

when i got back to the place i was staying, i realized i needed to wear these jorts to a sratty reunion the next day.  so, i hopped in the shower with my jorts on and hung them up to dry afterwards.  a word to the wise: jorts do not dry overnight.  i showed up to the reunion in my soggy jorts in 50 degree weather, smelling like a homeless man and inviting strangers to the funeral for my dignity.

judging you so hard right now, khorts.

-khortsarethenewjorts

the appropriate response to “did we have sex in the backseat of a pledge’s car” is NOT “probably.”

-partyczar